Recovered Stories

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. — Lau Tzu 

Yes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but it can be tiring and challenging to keep taking those steps. It helps to know there are people who have gone before you and managed it to the joyful, happy and free end. To inspire you, here are some of their stories …..

Life after Recovery

How does freedom feel? A question I asked myself time and time again. My story with Ed began in my early teens and continued into my late 30s. Initially in my teens, I did not recognise that I had any issues with eating distress and that all of my behaviours were normal. I struggled for a number of years of my life until my quest for freedom began on the first day I met a very special lady who transformed my whole life and provided me with the tools I needed and a long tireme after first beginning my recovery journey, I am now fully free and very well.

Now that I am recovered my everyday thoughts are no longer consumed about food/behaviours, I no longer have to worry about overeating or under-eating. I eat what I like and the aftermath does not include overriding thoughts of what food I consumed. No more ‘good’ or ‘bad’ foods, food is now my pleasure and not a threat and I automatically nourish my body. I have finally and I say that with such excitement let go of the value of thinness and I am now very happy with my body.

I have such appreciation of my body now and all the things it does for me including giving me two beautiful children. I do realise that it has changed over the years and especially after the birth of two children and I fully accept my body as it is.

I no longer have to plan my day to day activities down to the very last minute; I take every day as it comes. I have become aware who I am and what I want out of life, what really is most important to me and appreciate my values. Freedom is a pleasing feeling, I no longer sweat the small stuff, my thinking is no longer parked in the black or white lane, I have learned to accept there is an in-between. I don’t create lists in my head and become distressed if pre planned events don’t materialize.

Most important of all I can now say that my value is not my weight, who really cares what size I am? Will it matter in 20 years’ time? I don’t have to conform to society’s beliefs and the diet industry. Eliminating the quest for “perfection” which in the first place does not exist, has taken a lot of pressure off me and allowed me to be free.

I have acknowledged that Ed is no longer my friend and never was to begin with. Yes I am still sensitive and I believe I always will be, but my sensitively enables me to tap into my feelings, provides me with many signals I listen to, it’s about awareness, communication and intuition.

Freedom is constant and never leaves; there are no destructive Ed thoughts, no boundaries or restrictions. It is genuine; there are no conditions on food, no rules to follow and a lifetime free from all of Ed conditions. I live life in the present moment and fully appreciate that I am a kind and loving person and I am worthy of love. I am no longer plagued with anxiety from morning to night and that constant mental tiredness that Ed used to make me feel, my mind is at ease and Ed does not have that hold over my thoughts anymore.

This has taken a lot of work but has been so worth it, I faced a lot of rough times in the recovery process. I have always been a very high achiever another condition from Ed, but for once in my life I strived to reach my own personal goals and objectives and they were all about me. My goal was to fully recover from Ed and I did what it took to ensure full freedom and never settled for anything less than I deserved.

Life will throw obstacles at us all and at times life can be messy, But now I handle these ups and downs in a completely different manner and I have learned to deal with life and any problems that may occur in positive ways without acting out in behaviours. I can still have bad days and negative thoughts but I spend less time focusing on them and more time on positive affirmations.

Now that I am recovered I see the beauty in all that is around me and I value what is most important to me, my children, spouse and family, my world is no longer surrounded by condition. There will be no more comparing I am proud of all I have accomplished, I no longer live by the rigidity of ED’s rules and I will live and love life on my own terms. I will lead by example in society and share the knowledge I have gained on my journey to recovery.

Opting IN: It’s Getting Better All the Time

Scared, lonely, desperate, hopeless has turned into not so scared, not so lonely, not so desperate and definitely not hopeless.  At the moment it’s a mixture of scared not in a bad way/cautiously excited might be a better description, not really lonely because I have a choice now to reach out and I do, granted to a small group of people at the moment (baby steps), desperate is no longer and has been replaced by an innate and growing desire to live my life which I have re-discovered and chosen to nurture back to health.  

I pressurised myself to be perfect, giving no one else the opportunity to put me down. I was a lesser person, I knew it, the world knew it, I didn’t deserve a good life and this was the way I lived my life.  I became more and more entrenched into emotional pain, negatively impacting physically and without going into 30 years of turmoil, I staunchly carried that mounting pain around until my late 40s because I had nothing else to hang on to except years of emotional pain. 

it’s so easy to lock yourself away but as you know and I know that does not work in the end, it only breeds more misery.  I was totally broken and arrived at the fork in the road.  It was not where I wanted to be but being so broken I knew it was time to decide, like it or not

I thought I might try this talking therapy because I had nothing to left to lose.

I wanted to try this talking business and see what the big deal was about talking and so I did.  I didn’t like talking about my failures out loud but kept going even when I didn’t feel like going and continued to talk, even though I had so many conflicting emotions about talking, I had to totally change my ideas and behaviours around nutrition.  But on and on the months went and I started to see a glimmers and fleeting moments of seeing life a little differently, things started to become (dare I say) interesting.  I remember the first time I became aware that I was singing to myself................ Was I happy? Was I just now NOT thinking about my misery? It happens ever so subtly, I hardly notice myself; I would become suddenly surprised at myself at experiencing positive feelings and you begin to smile to yourself as if you have a secret and I liked it.  I kept trying to grab a hold of these new feeling because I knew they were good and they were for me and I began to nurture those feelings. 

 So for me at this moment, I have the Living Life L Plates on; I swing back and forth between my old monster that took me 30 plus years to grow and my new “thing”, living life.  The old monster is there but really its beginning to lose its appeal.  I just don’t like it anymore and so choose to swing back to my gift of life and living it.  It’s my gift, it was given to me and I will wholehearted nurture and care for it for the rest of my life.  I do feel sad sometimes when I realise what I did to my precious gift of life for all those years, but then I think I still have a chance, I have a long way to go and I will never ever do that to myself again.  I don’t deserve to be treated, particularly by myself with anything but the highest degree of love and respect.  

 So now I look forward with caution (in case something happens, I don’t know what I am expecting to happen but I do know for sure I better be cautious, Right? Wrong! But that is where I am right now, that how my mind thinks right now but I am on my way, I am cautiously happy, so for now I’ll accept where I am because deep inside I know the truth, it’s getting better all the time, it’s a process, ever changing process, it’s going to take time and it’s the road that I am paving for myself, because I can choose a path, I am worth paving a path for, I can handle whatever I meet on that path, I can do this with the help of those who are supporting me when I get scared, lonely or don’t understand.  I can reach out to those who have and are guiding and encouraging me.  I am learning about me, about nutrition, about living, about being happy, about being positive, about choosing what is good and best for me....................

I am learning which means I have to get the information, try understand it,  get help understanding the bits that don’t make sense to me at that moment, try things, test things, identifying the things I like and don’t like, trying new ways of interacting with the world.  I am making my way through life to create my new world and that means that I don’t always know what’s going to happen or have control over what happens and it’s not always plain sailing but fear has been replaced with being excited, interest and wishing for good things to happen, but most of all I can now see a world of surprises, some nice, some not, but I no longer feel numb, no longer feel less of a person than anyone else and all this give me strength (that I had all along as part of my gift) to deal with all the surprises life has to offer.  

As I have finally figured out that I am not a lessor human being, I have to learn how to be a fully fledged human. Gosh its just one thing after another, phew !! All these revelations and learnings keep me so busy that when I think about my old way of living, I just snap back to the task at hand and focus forward.  I would much rather face my fears than ever live like I used to ever again.  At the moment I’m testing out my new “being human” skills and facing one of my biggest and long term challenges, the dreaded human interaction of the workplace; for fear of the possibility of criticism or rejection.  I going ok.............. scary speaking up or saying something in contrary to what your work colleagues or even your boss is saying. I am by no means proficient YET, but I have to practice and keep practicing and it’s not always easy, but I will say that I have had both success and failures using my new skills.  I am gaining new insight into personal freedom and because I have felt what it feels like to succeed dealing with my colleagues using my very own honesty and integrity, I have gained some confidence and slowly slowly slowly with great hope in my heart of getting a level of confidence that I can enjoy.  I know I can do it, I have begun to trust myself to do good and to choose good things for me....... and after all I was a Massive Success in destroying my life, so I know without a question of a doubt that I have the resolve to succeed again but this time I’m building my new life and putting all the things I like and want to be in it – it’s my choice now, although LIFE, is its own entity is to be considered as part of my new world, so, as life will do, throw surprises in there for me, just to make it interesting and exciting.  

 I am so grateful to have started my journey to recovery. I am grateful for the help of others who supported and guided me, continuing to do so and are there when I need help.  I have never before been able to look forward to happier times and was terrified of the unknown future until now.  Not knowing what’s coming down the road with the knowledge and belief that you are unique human being who is more than enough, who is equal to any other human being, that you deserve, that you are part of this world, that you actually have a responsibility to nurture and care for your gift of life and that you can handle whatever comes good or bad, is no longer terrifying its amazing. 

A grateful and fully-fledged member of the Human Race and the World, of which I’ve always been, but just chose to opt out until now,  I’m opting in from now on.  

Starting Out

Acceptance: The first thing I had to do was accept that I had a problem with food and that i needed help.

Support: My journey would not have been possible without my parents. At the early stages you need as much support as you can get. My parents were firm about eating the foods which I was told to eat. At first this made me angry and I hated the feeling of eating these food, but bit by bit, it becomes normal in your life again. You need someone to be stern with you and tell you to eat and do things because ED is trying to control you and tell you the opposite.

Normality: By adding a different food bit by bit, at first it is very overwhelming but you get used to it and it becomes normal in your life and ED becomes less important.

Going Out: Going out to places is very important. I used to hate going places. I didn’t want to talk or make eye contact with people. But by pushing myself to go places I didn’t want to go, I enjoyed myself. It helps boost your confidence and you begin to get a bit more freer with food. It takes you away from your ED comfort zone and back into the real world.

Doctor: We lived outside Dublin and so going to therapy and doctor appointments were long drives. At the start, I was put on nutritional drinks and the doctor told me that if I didn’t drink them, he’d know from my bloods. So, I knew this was another step that I’d have to take, whether I liked it or not. I knew that I would no longer be able to hide my habits.

Emotions: When I first started out, I was very emotional. I was full of anger at everyone and everything. I was so comfortable with ED that I didn’t want to changes it. I cried over everything. As you progress, your emotions calm down and things don’t affect you as much.

What I Learned on my Recovery Journey

1. TRUST your therapist-they have your best interests at heart. 

2. Food is FUEL, think of your body like a car who needs fuel, it can't run on empty. Don't delay following your nutritionist advice and plan, I delayed mine for a long time and now I do it irrespective of the negative chatter, just do it. Trust the body it needs the fuel and it knows what to do with it. Another little analogy helped me: think of a little army in your tummy needing fuel, can you imagine how upset and sad and confused they would be if nothing was passed down to them? Don't let the little army starve. Food is fuel for living. Recovery is life. Live it.

3. Explore the whole concept of SELF-CARE. This was so confusing for me and always something I'd advise others to practice but would never engage myself for fear I'd actually feel better. Gradually and unbeknownst to myself I have actually managed to incorporate some self care acts into my daily life; it can be as simple as moisturising after a shower, getting a coffee in a local cafe, sitting out in the garden at home and just enjoying nature, listening to a cool playlist on Spotify, talking to friends and family, getting a hug...I'm finally learning what comforts me and I'm learning to use self care slowly but surely. At the end of the day slow and steady wins the race. I'm actually delighted I'm turning more towards self care and completely away from behaviours. Credit due.

4. Brings me onto SELF-CREDIT; give credit for anything no matter how small it may be; be it from being gentle with self if you're a little irritated to helping out someone or simply just showing up to school or work. Self credit can be given for anything, the only effort required really is that you actually let yourself acknowledge it and feel the credit, writing it in a list helps.

5. Give GRATITUDE and thanks for the good things/people in your life, literally for anything. Writing a list is lovely-it's feel good as once you start you learn to see you have a lot of things to be grateful for be it from a lovely cup of tea to a super family and loving support system.

6. Find a HOBBY that can take you out of your mind for a little reprieve. I tend to overthink a lot and lately I'm learning about things that give me a break from my head so to speak from practicing bring in the moment when putting on my make up, colouring into a book, looking up quotes, listening to music, photos!

7. KEEP IT SIMPLE; we tend to over complicate just let the pressure shit go! Keep it simple it will be okay! 

8. Excuse my French here but there's a great book called 'F@CK IT' by John C Parkin, it's severity in language helps me talk back to condition! That phrase alone helps me move on from babble talk and catastrophic thinking just say F@ck It and let go as best you can.

9. REASSURE yourself as much as possible; you're doing the very best you can at this moment in time.
Don't compare you, your journey, your life, your relationships etc to others. Huge no no and just sends you around in a loop of negativity that there's just no way on earth you'd feel good after. Say to yourself 'I know I am good and every one else is different' , 'I am perfect exactly as I am'.

10. BREATHE. In and out. Gently. Connecting to the breath is so grounding and a brilliant way to get you into the present moment. It's readily available-use it.
Movies, TV shows, light heartedness-can't go wrong, pick something that you can just watch and let all the thoughts fly passed. Writing some learnings or a reflection particularly after a film can be helpful too as it gives us goal orientated people a focus :)

11. Use your SENSES, again great for grounding and bringing one into the present. What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you see? What do you taste? What do you smell?

12. ACCEPT compliments. Just say thank you. My nan and mum always say that a compliment is like a gift and by not saying thank you you're kinda insulting the giver. So just accept it and say thank you. Proudly! I've started to write mine out; what was said and who said it, and add them to a cute little box (which you could make and design/decorate yourself). Reading over them is a lovely thing to do when your mood might be a little low. 

13. Think of thoughts as buses that come in and out of your head, don't attach to them them. Just imagine you at the bus station and let all the unhelpful buses drive on, let those thoughts go!

14. Be GENTLE with yourself. We tend to hold the value of hardship far to close to our hearts for some reason. What I now know is that it does little to serve the self, in fact it only makes you fight yourself and feel worse. You know best. Trust yourself and ease up on yourself.

15. You are a HUMAN being not a human doing. Pursuing busyness does nothing but run you into the ground. Let your body heal. Be kind to it.

16. Embrace the MOMENT. There are many wonderful moments there for us to enjoy in each day. Unfortunately society today tends not to savour and appreciate the value of a moment, be a rebel, start your own trend-value moments, value life. Those moments will become wonderful memories and you'll be glad you made them :)

17. RECOVERY-just do it. 

18. ENJOY the journey.

Dear you,

I know you probably think this is great, you’re loosing weight! and fast! What could be wrong with that? Let me give you some advice. I cannot make you listen or take this advice but lend me your ear for a couple of minutes. 

I know you probably hate your parents right now and your therapist and your dietitian. But believe me when i say they do know what’s best for you. Now i know that will definitely go in one ear and out the other. 

The thing is, you will not get better if you do not listen and this WILL be hard for you. But REMEMBER this does not mean gaining 5 or 10 pounds. It means being happy and comfortable in yourself, because YOU ARE beautiful and unique and God didn’t put you on this planet for you not bask in these traits.

Let go of judgement and let love in.

You probably think you are tangled in a knot of ongoing sadness that will never end. The truth is this: that knot can be undone through self love and patience. 

You are loved and that’s one thing this battle won’t take away from you. 

There may be many ups and downs but i promise you, you can and will win this battle. You are the only person that can control your destiny, because without decisions being made, destiny ceases to exist. 

You are the captain sailing this ship whether it’s the calm before the storm, or the storm itself, you can always lead this ship to safety, but it’s up to you.

I want to talk about my experience with you. I LOVED the weight loss but that right there is the root of the issue, I pushed my body to extremes that it couldn’t handle. It would be unwise to share how but trust me it’s not a good look, when you look like a ghost, have huge dark circles, frail nails, extra hair growth (on your arms, legs, chest and back, as your body struggles to insulate itself) and the worst thing of it all, hair loss. I looked horrific, in a nice way of putting it. I was miserable.

I lost friends, I lost interest, I lost faith, I lost motivation, and most importantly I lost who i was. 

Even at my worst, there was still so much help and love around me. It has been a long road for me to walk, in terms of gaining my losses back. But I didn’t give up and neither should you. Even now I realise how this toxic obsession can make you so angry and cold towards the world.

So please help yourself.

Don’t listen to people that say if you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for your family. Because they’re wrong,  you OWE it to yourself, you are SO worthy of happiness and no one can take that from you.